The Gate

Clown #13:

I'm running out of words. I m sorry
Got close to paper's end.
I guess it’s time to tell my story
Along with the letter I will never send...

My story? Oh, I’ve got things on my chest
My life’s a mess sometimes, my lane is fast
Sometimes it feels I’ll lose and come to finish last
While sometimes I know I AM THE BEST...

At first it was “A talent is too expensive”
Little did I know that rotten thoughts are too extensive
Searching for peace of mind I lost my sanity
I gained my 13 clowns and my “Insanity”

It felt like I hadn’t slept for years
I couldn’t smile; all I did was shed them tears
At night I was having visions of my fears
The biggest fear was dying with no one near...

After insomnia and fears I fell asleep.
My sleep was deadly, it was deep.
Then I felt I couldn’t wake myself
Forgetting that I had to save myself

“The only one to clean your room is YOU”
“No one can live YOUR live but YOU”
I didn’t know this then so I chose to hide away
And wear the same mask every day...

The mask was getting heavy
Just like a cargo on my neck;
I was tired of people’s envy
And so called “love” that stabbed my back.

Then it was “I’m THE WINNER”
No matter if I was righteous or a sinner
I stopped hitting them breaks
I had to do whatever it takes...

Then it was “I am fine”
And then “You’re mine, and I am thine”
They say a man in love is always blind
I knew I was a fool but I didn’t mind...

Then it was “I get out!”
I ran away forgetting that the earth is round
Not knowing that by chains I had been bound
The squeak of shackles was an awful sound...

Then it was “Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel”
Because I knew, the silence was my hell
I burned the mask, I rang them bells
Rebelling against the lies they tell...

I was an iceberg, yes I was
I hate the windows, love the doors
I said “I’ll never sneak through open gates”
So I broke them locks and flew away...

So how do I define my freedom?
It’s not a tree, it’s not the kingdom
My freedom is in me, I am the KING
My words do sting, they are my wings.

The locks; the gates
The wings; the king
I’ll fly; I’ll fall
I’ll cry; I’ll sing

I am a freedom, I’m a riot
I am the power, fuck the verbal diet
I am a rebel, I’m a renegade
And now I’m free, so close them gates...

[cyb]
30.08.2008
18:10

Colors

Colors

[Dedicated to my Colors]

My Colors:
Black
Grey
Pink
Grey
Drop of color
Orange
Hurricane

Whole my life is a circus and I'm just a comedian
I live in a fast lane baby cause I can't stand median;
My friends did walk me to the promised land through ups and downs
I was alone in my pain and now I'm 13 clowns!

They call me crazy cause my weapon is my Spoken Word
And I never ever do what I'm being told.
Judge me like a book, forget them lies that you've heard
Cause I'm just a lone soldier in this stone cold world.

I have made it alive, in the darkest night
I have survived the war, and all the furious fights
I've been hungry for LIFE but all I did was starve
Now it's time to C-Y-B, because enough is enough!

From black to grey, From pink to blue
And sometimes sadness sticks to you just like a glue
Then it was grey again and I committed suicide
But then the drop of color put all of my worries aside

I've been through 7 transformations (what a magical number)
And seven colors of life still couldn't feed my hunger
U were a little star, I was a pitch black hole.
And if I call you the Sun, Then maybe I'm the rainbow...

...Aftermath...

[cyb]

27.03.2008
19:40
18.06.2008
21:33

Hurricane

Hurricane

[Current mood: Eric Bennet - Hurricane.mp3]

They say a Hurricane's what brings you back
But I've been deceased, my soul was black
And if the wind of change is what I need
Then bring me the storm, cause my heart bleeds!

They say that hurricane's the way to wash away the pain
But then what's pain if life is just a silly game
The game is really simple, rules are plain:
The heads or tales, no one to blame...

They say it's time to turn another page
It's a one man circus I'm alone on stage
Me and my girlfriend "solitude", we are engaged
I feel no pain, just emptiness and rage...

Sometimes it feels oblivion's my fate
And all I get is pain no matter if I love of hate
No matter how fast I run it seems I'm always late
I wonder why do I always have to wait...

They say that all I need is one big Hurricane
They say I'm stuck in a loop of my fast lane
But overlooking my own life I feel no pain
I don't regret a moment, cause regret is vain...

The circus, my virtues, they're vicious, The Stage
Them chains and them ropes, the prison, The Cage
The pain, the tears, struggle The Page
The friends and them foes, the mask, Back to the stage...

They say a Hurricane's what brings you back
But will it bring me the smile I lack?
And if the wind of change is what I need
Then I won't wait for it, I'll take the lead!

And breathe... no matter what you do, just breathe...
Inhale this morning breeze
They say the moment should be seized
Just carpe diem, just breathe...


[cyb]
12.06.2008
02:13
17.06.2008
21:51

Rebel, Rebel, Rebel...Entry for February 19, 2008

Renegade

[Rebel to be free]

The life is a fight, a war, a struggle

My war's inside I fight them demons.

I have been crowned, I have been cobbled

My life's a circus, stage, arena.

They say that to be free you must rebel

They try to make you even, make you blend

And I will never buy the lies they sell

This mind control some day will have to end

Call me a Rebel, I'm a crazy Renegade

Cause I don't want to play your "Prison" games

And I will never sneak Through open gates

I'll break them locks and fly away someday!

Sometimes I can infect you cause my thoughts are poisoned

And at times I spit the Venom cause my words are power

I'm not alone, at night I keep hearing them voices

They scream: When it rains it pours just like a verbal shower!

I know it seems I'm talking mess

But I spit them words to get them off my chest

I am a little mad I must confess

I am just what I am, and I will last!

Rebel, Rebel, Rebel, Rebel!!!

I scream them words, I ring them bells

And loneliness is still my hell

I want to LIVE and not to dwell...

The life is a fight, a war, a struggle

Of war inside I'm really tired.

I've been destroyed, I have been cobbled

Yet I've been killed, I've been admired.

[cyb]

19.02.2008

20:24

Renegade. Entry for February 17, 2008

They say renegade is a rebel. they say Riot is the only way to get to know with your true self.

no, I'm still not sad, it's the freaking weather...again. and this music. so powerful.

I'm not gonna talk about you today. not today... not me... not about you... but then again the only thing that sticks to my mind is the one i m not gonna talk about today.

today. it's so special isn't it? the whole thing. the whole concept. deeply in the depths of the very idea of "today". every day is a special one. but today is the most special day ever. and every day is like this. everyday you wake up in the morning with the possibility, with the opportunity to make the day special. then again you end up wasting almost every single day of your life waiting for something special to happen. waiting for someone to make something special about that day...

I will make it special. I am "today". I make today. I make it either special or routine. I make it the way it is. I'm not sad... It's just that freaking weather... I still breathe. the heart is still beating. them lungs keep pumping the air. and the soul is still evaporating from the body. I'm special... I might be just the same. the same as a next man, but i m special. in my special way. in the way i feel things. in the way i see them and in the way i understand and spit things. them words still don't obey me. they are still just as rebellious as me. I'm a rebel. and to get to know with me I will riot. I'll break the walls just like i have broken them chains. I have cut them ropes. I am free. I'm a renegade.

And this music... so powerful. at the top of the iceberg's tip. it reaches you out. grabs you and fills you up.

Concussion, May 25, 2008

...want to write... still don't know what, but i'll start off by just writing three full stops i guess. that's what i always do when i don't know what to write and after those dots, after this mark of pause, the mark of being unsure, the mark of sadness, even sometimes the mark of peaceful, calm joy and happYness i always write something, always get something off my chest.

...


...So what's on my chest now? not sure if i can express it at least now, at the point. it's a mixture, a mixture of thousands of ingredients. no need to start browsing through them, and no use either.
i-Cyb that's the name to my state of mind i guess. enough of cheap talk, let's get to the subject:

-so, are you here?
-u know i am.
-got any new words for me today?
-no i don't. i decided to try something new this time. i'll let you chose the word. pick any word that comes to your mind first.
-...ok... the very first word that came to my mind was "Concussion". don't ask me why, i don't know. it just came first.
-ok, let's look it up. the dictionary comes into play once again to make them things clear:

Concussion, from the Latin concutere ("to shake violently"),^[1] is the most common and least serious type of traumatic brain injury. The terms mild brain injury, mild traumatic brain injury (MTBI), mild head injury (MHI), and minor head trauma and concussion may be used interchangeably,^[2][3] although the latter is often treated as a narrower category.^[4] The term 'concussion', has been used for centuries and is still commonly used in sports medicine, while 'MTBI' is a technical term used more commonly nowadays in general medical contexts. Frequently defined as a head injury with a transient loss of brain function, concussion can cause a variety of physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms.

Concussion can be diagnosed and assigned a level of severity based largely on symptoms. Treatment involves monitoring and rest. Symptoms usually go away entirely within three weeks, though they may persist, or complications may occur.^[5] Repeated concussions can cause cumulative brain damage such as dementia pugilistica or severe complications such as second-impact syndrome.

...ok, fair enough. now why do you think this word came to you? let's dig it up from the subliminal level.

-i don't know. concussion... have you ever been concussed for some time? have you...no... not today man. fuck them words.

finish it off for me if you want.
enough is enough.
enough of them friends and foes.
enough of pain
enough of words
enough of feelings
enough of rain
enough of storm
enough of the sun (sorry, the sun)
enough of sweat and blood mixture
enough of tear and smile mixture
enough of you
enough of me
it's damn sure enough of us.
e n o u g h . . .

stick a fuckin fork in it, i-Cyb.


. . .

i-Cyb, April 26, 2008

...Dear Lord!

...what can I ask you now? what's the point in asking anyway? everyone will get exactly what they get after all. me too. i will get exactly what i deserve, good and bad. so what's the point in asking, begging for something? if i deserve it i will get it, if not, then... i guess it is what it is right?
...but then again you created me 25 years ago. you created me the way i am and you gave me my destiny, my pack of opportunities throughout my life. you gave me my free will and you gave me my ability to wish. and i do...wish...
at the top of my heart i do...wish...
at the very tip of my soul i do...wish...
with all that i am i do...wish...

..it is what it is. i am what i am. i do what i do.

...it's been said, i m a big boy now, but i m still not grown.
guess it's right. i m 25 now father. quarter of a century it's been. feels like a bit more, but i can handle it, u know me. you are the artist that painted me as a picture, drew me as a sketch and let me finish it up. i am finishing it. i m drawing shades and specular now, i m not really good at drawing i must admit, but it still is what it is. i might not paint a good picture but i promise you i'll paint the one to be remembered.

it's so lonely in these streets. this town is so beautiful, so peaceful yet so lonely at night... just like me i guess. so calm here...


mess, confusion, conclusions, grief... they all are mixed now, a perfect mixture to... no, it's not the one i need father. i've been prescribed this mixture but i m not going to take it. i m gonna make my own mixture. they say it's impossible. fair enough. but still. i WILL make my own mixture:
love, happYness, home, firendship, LIFE, freedom, a little bit of confusion to make it spicy, a little bit of anger to lively it up and a little bit of pain to stir it up.

these words still rebel against me father, so i better stop writing them and give them a break. i am tired of screaming at the top of my lungs, i m tired of whispering with my heart, i m fed up with the treasury of silence. and i m eager to ACT.
it's always been that way i guess. it's been coming for a long time. the mixture is in the making. the only thing i am asking father is HELP me do it right.

...time to go home now. time to go HOME...

Inappropriate

Inappropriate

[To all them misplaced]

Have you ever felt misplaced in this stone cold world?

Have you ever had your life inhaled by decay?

When all you get is misplaced feelings and empty words;

When all you feel is your pain that blows your mind away.

I know that I've been screaming aloud I will get out some day

I've been praying the Lord to take my life away

But then I know it's ashes to ashes and clay to clay

So I've been back and forth since 25th of may...

I was around but still I was consumed by grief

And no matter what I did, I still got stopped by a reef

Pain was long lasting and seconds of joy were brief

But no matter what I'd been through, I still believed!

They say I'm wrong cause my own left isn't their right

I'm in a search for peace, I'm in the quest for light...

They used to keep me quiet cause they had bound me tight

But after all the pain I've been through I'm ready to fight.

My life was hard it was painful, yes, it was sour

I have been killed But still I'm here, I'm eager to LIVE

And just in case this is the end of my final hour

As farewell I'm screaming "Love you!" before I leave...

Sometimes I spit the verbal venom and my words do sting

I'm in the zone, I go fast and I can do anything

But sometimes it feels I'm sinking without a splash.

Lash, Clash, Mash And the face on the dash.

Have you ever felt misplaced in this stone cold world?

Have you ever realized your pain has eaten your core?

Then, in this world of pain, in this world of grief,

The world of games The world of thieves,

You are...

...Inappropriate!

[cyb]

11.04.2008

12:46

21.04.2008

17:09

Free. Entry for March 25, 2008

for those brief moments, for the moments of speed, determination, effort and competition with no one else but yourself you surprisingly start to notice that you are free. no, you have been free all your life, that's true, but then again you almost never notice it right? you invent all sorts of things like ropes and chains to bind yourself. your mind can be very creative in this.
all of a sudden you notice that the only thing that you are thinking of is THIS. the road. the speed. the adrenaline rush is so intense that it takes you, overflows your heart and takes your breath away. all you are feeling right now is THIS. the sense of flight, the feeling of a little control in this uncontrollable world. at that time YOU control YOUR world. with your own hands and feet. with your mind, with your eyes.
this is a mixture of joy, pain, fear and accomplishment. forget the rest. the road. you see the flat and dotted yellow line in between your wheels? that's your path. follow it! take it! MAKE IT! taste it.
150. what a magical number. but can you go a little bit faster? of course you can. floor it! 160... that's the limit.
-no... there is no limit! you are the one to set the limits...
-brake!!! brake for god sake! BRAKE!
heavy braking. another tight corner. time to floor it again...
-go! yes! a little faster! you can! clock? forget the clock! time does not matter now. speed does. opponents? you have no opponents but you! all of you. every single one of you. FASTER!
-what are you escaping? what are you running from? WHAT are you running from?
-he's not running FROM. maybe he's running TOWARDS.
-i m not running. i m LIVING now. I am...
-i m afraid! i m so scared! BRAKE!! please brake!
...another corner. almost lost it... time to slam on the gas pedal again. then again we do it all the time. we lose, we fall. then we get up again and carry on. it was said strength is not to evade the storm. the strength is to go through it and carry on.
-floor it! there is no limit.


...set the limit, then break it. then set another one. you are the limit. you see that flat yellow line between them wheels? that's the path you don't need to take. the right path is not on that line. make up your own path and take it. break the rules, set the rules, then break them again and live with it. just breathe... breathe...

...The winner is not the one accelerating fast, but the one hitting the brakes last...

1: -brake!!! for god sake, BRAKE!!!
2: -floor it!
3: -what are you running from?
4: -what are you running towards?
5: -there are no limits!
6: -you are free!
7: -this is fun!
8: -choose the right path!
9: -make you own path!
10: -forget the pain. there is no pain better than this one. enjoy it!
11: -you have to make it! you have to prove you can!
12: -there is no avoiding war. the only way to get smarter is rebel against the greatest enemy!

#13:
-I am the Winner. no need to prove anything. no need to hurry and no need to brake. I will make it. I set the limits. I choose the path. I have chosen. I have made it. no need to run towards as well as escape. no need to evade the war and rebel any more. I am here. me and you. feel me. breathe me. inhale me. follow me. take the lead. do anything that takes your breath away. with me. I AM HERE. now it's time to brake and pull over. the race is over for now. get ready for another one.


...looking at the glow on the brakes of my car i realized how close it was. nearly lost it. bu then again we do it all the time through our lives don't we? we walk on the edge. i just felt it closer then every day. and for those brief moments of speed, determination, effort and competition with no one but myself i felt free...

[cyb]

Circus

Circus

I am a stage, a show, yes, I'm a circus

I got it going on with clowns in me

Although I'm mad at them, they are my virtues

I am confusion, mess, and it's not hard to see.

It might seem I am a little selfish

Speaking my life I get it off my chest.

I must admit, I am a little "Deadish"

And if oblivion's my fate, I'd rather do it fast.

I am a circus, I'm a renegade

I might be mad cause I rebel against the Self

Sometimes my thoughts cut me like spades

Sometimes I am too tired of "Myselves"

We fight, we live we die together

Their rotten thoughts reflect in me

But if you read my life then I might last forever

Alive is what I always dreamed to be...

-Survive, Survive, Survive, Survive!

-You won't be long, you're twenty-five

My clowns play me on and on

They scream in me, they sing them songs...

Bring me pain in mass amounts

I'll take it all and set you free.

I am a circus, I'm a crowd;

I am the one that never flees!

My thoughts and feelings are well founded

By chains and ropes no more I'm bounded

I am 13, sometimes I am too crowded

I am a circus and I will do nothing about it!

[cyb]

12.03.2008

16:48

17.03.2008

23:03

Gasp for... Entry for March 09, 2008

Gasp for...

[Let's just go flying]

I'm doomed, I'm cursed

I know, I'm blessed

Go back and forth

I dwell, I'll last...

My rhymes for me are like a gasp for air

I've been screaming for far too long: My life's unfair!

Sometimes I wanted to sleep in some kind of a lair

But sleep is a cousin of death and I was having nightmares...

I am a soldier of an undeclared civil war

The struggle is deeply inside my worn out mind

I might seem selfish cause it's ME that I'm fighting for

And there is no enemy but ME's within the line of sight...

If it's all inside my mind then what's the struggle?

And if I'm wrong, two wrongs just make it double.

To win the game you gotta learn to be a slugger

So I'm screaming out: "Rebel, rebel, never be humble!"

Sometimes at night when my heart stops beating again

I start to think of you, The End, my dearest friend

But then again I'm The Winner, I gotta gain!

I will win, I will live on, There is no end...

Although sometimes this fast lane brings me the stress

Writing these lines I realize that I'm a mess

But then again I know I'm power, yes, I'm blessed

I will survive the storm, that's how I'm built I guess...

Maybe we'll go to the park

Or maybe just stay in the car

It's Spring and baby, it's dark

There is no such thing as "Too far".

"Darling, forgive me for them things I've done

Most of the time I was just having fun

I'm done with living on the run

I like you much, but she's the one..."

It was said: Day destroys the night

Sometimes I feel too dead to fight

And happYness is out of sight

I'm out in dark looking for light

This pain sometimes is way too bitter

But then my life just can't get sweeter

I speak my life just like a whitter

Polishing words until they glitter.

Sometimes I go to my old attic

Searching for words to use

And if I am a little poetic

Then maybe you're my muse.

"It doesn't matter anymore

I am worn out, I'm tired of trying..."

And yes, you are The One I'm living for

Forget the rain, let's just go flying...

My rhymes for me are like a gasp for air

I've been screaming for far too long: My life's unfair!

Sometimes I miss your eyes, sometimes I miss your hair

And all I'm screaming out is: "We just don't care!"

[cyb]

02.03.2008

15:31

09.03.2008

19:23

BulletProof Entry for March 05, 2008

Boo-Let-Proof... no, i m just spelling it out in my "special way" baby.

ok, here's the dictionary version:

A material or object described as bulletproof is capable of stopping a bullet or similar high velocity missile. The term bullet resistant is often preferred since few, if any, practical materials provide complete protection against all types of bullets or multiple hits in the same location.

Such materials are usually rigid, but may be supple.


ok, fair enough. bulletproof, that's what i dreamed to be when i was a child. then i grew up and many times in my life i came across them days i once again wished to become bulletproof. but those bullets we different this time.
then again i realized after a long time and many conclusions and some confusion that i m simply not built that way. i don't need to be bulletproof to LIVE, rather the opposite. i might survive being bulletproof but LIVING is something else.
shoot me, aim at me! I'll take them hits, survive anyways, because I AM ALIVE! and no bullet can kill the spirit. fuck them bullets, fuck the bulletproof vests. Pain is another reason for happYness to exist. Sadness is just another reason for Joy to exist. And Love is another reason to LIVE.
Bulletproof materials are usually rigid, cold, rock hard. it's not what I am and i m happY of it.

I'm not bulletproof.
I am happy of it. take them bullets, feel them. and then LIVE on!

Confusion. Entry for March 03, 2008

-oh, it's you again...
-Like you are surprised to see me.
-no i'm not.
-what now? any new words?
-yes. Confusion.
-ok. let's look it up in the dictionary:
Confusion, of a pathological degree, usually refers to loss of orientation (ability to place oneself correctly in the world by time, location, and personal identity) and often memory (ability to correctly recall previous events or learn new material). Confusion as such is not synonymous with inability to focus attention, although severe inability to focus attention can cause, or greatly contribute to, confusion. Together, confusion and inability to focus attention (both of which affect judgment) are the twin symptoms of a loss or lack of normal brain function.
-damn, sounds not very good i guess. but it's not the one i'm feeling i guess.
-then what is? give me your definition.
...


-Too proud, too arrogant I've always been to admit them simple things that were going on. Like my freedom, my life depended on them. every time I couldn't understand something, every time in my life, I was too proud, too arrogant to ask. not too shy, not embarrassed, ARROGANT. I know everything, I understand everything. for far too long i've been creating this image of myself in my mind i guess. it sticked to me like a leech and didn't want to let go of me. hearing something i didn't quite understand i was too arrogant to ask what it meant. instead, I tried my best to find the definition, the meaning myself. made research, made conclusions (some kind of sherlock Holmes shit) that were most likely to be wrong (or so to speak not very right directed). one conclusion followed the others and as we all know two wrongs can hardly make one right so that lead to misunderstanding, hence confusion. after that I swore not to trust them conclusions any more. then again I am me, unchanged over the time (mostly) so conclusions still stick to my mind. hence deeper confusion.

...yeah, i m still Proud, arrogant. yet confused. I'm not confused about my own feelings, no. i m positive about them. still.

so confusion right now for me does not mean some kind of a mental disorder, or inability to define myself in time, space and feelings. no. it's disorientation, emotional disorientation. lies in between the pride, decision making and suspense.

-what decision?

-nah, my decisions are made. of course, you can never know for sure what is right and what is yours. you need to trust your feelings right? so my decision has been made based on my feelings and nothing has changed over the time passed. not today, not the day before. there's only one way to be sure whether the decision is right or not. the way is to live it. to live the consequences. that's where the suspense comes into play.
-welcome to the shade. what does the suspense give you?
-nothing. it's just my way of thinking. all I know is that every person decides for himself what is right. and there is nothing that anyone can do (or should do to be precise) to change it. I'm being as clear as possible in my words, in my actions and in my feelings. being unclear has lead me to this state of mind i guess. No, I'm not looking for a scape goat, a reason. it's just a simple fact. that being unclear in my words, feelings and actions lead to confusion. no more. I am clear. I am what I am and no more masks (except special occasions).

Life is music ha? a poetry? I am the poetry. I am the music. I am the fuckin life. Fuck the poetry. simplicity is what counts sometimes. I am being as simple as possible right now.

fuck the words. they just help me emphasize the feelings. they are just as important as the the fuckin music to a movie. you can watch a good movie without a soundtrack right? you can read Little Prince without them illustrations. but it won't be the same. i don't care about them words. i really don't. it's just that when feelings are silenced, words come out.

Fuck the words if you like.
Even fuck the confusion.

Aftermath

No more me ha?
ok how about this word? "Aftermath"...
the dictionary once again was friendly and kind enough to explain it to me:

Aftermath is an agricultural term meaning the grass growing after the first cut of hay. It is now more commonly used figuratively to mean that which happens after a major event.

yeah... yet another word.
-so what now?
-I don't know... You decide.
-yeah. me... Feels like... i donno what it feels like. fuck it. not today. i got the word. and like i said, no more me. it's ME now. Aftermath.

Listen. Entry for February 12, 2008

Listen. Listen carefully to my heartbeat. Listen to the tremble in my skin. I'm not gonna scream no more. Enough. Nothing can be more expressive than this. No word can cut like this. No feeling can bring this much HappYness. Yet so much pain. But then again there is no Happyness without pain and pain is nothing when you're HappY.

It's like the moment of truth. The very moment you realize that after all the worn out words and phrases. After all the tears and smiles. After all the rain and sunshine you have nothing left... Nothing but this.

You're empty... no... You are not empty. It's not the right word. I think "pure" is more suitable. You are pure.

No more words.
No more air.
No more masks.
No more enemies.
No more demons.
No more friends.
No more nothing.

Everything is left behind. Far, far away. In the middle of oblivion. You don't really know whether you dropped behind or are ahead of all of this. But it doesn't really matter any more. There is nothing you care about anymore. Nothing but this. You're pure.
Just you.
Look me in the eye. Just look. Cause i have no vocal cords left to scream. And I'm screaming at the very top of my eyes.
I need to tell a story. Bear with me now...
...walk with me.

[cyb]

Worn out. Entry for February 09, 2008

-what are you thinking about?
-nothing...
-same story... tell me.
-ok... i was thinkin of the vocabulary. i mean one word sticked to my mind today and adapted to my state of mind. or maybe my state of mind adapts to the words in my vocabulary? what's the difference...
-none.
-yeah, right...
-so what was it? the word.
-"Worn out". the dictionary explains it to me:
1: exhausted, worn out; tired out
2: to make or become unfit or useless through wear...
3: wear out quickly [in no time]; not to last long...


...yes. that's the definition of it. have you ever felt worn out? no, not in a tragic or depressed way. it's not another sad story. i m just asking. have you ever felt that the words you say are getting worn out? have you ever felt that your body is worn out? have you ever felt that even your soul is worn out? your feelings are getting worn out?
if it was a sad story, i would say now that i m exhausted and tired. and that i don't want anything but to rest in peace. but it's the opposite.
I am worn out. For me it means i need a reset. I need a beginning. I need a spark. It's not that I'm dead. I'm alive... probably more alive than I have ever been. It's not that i m blind. I m probably less blind than i've ever been. I'm just worn out. touch my skin, you can feel it there. it shivers. it shakes of touch. it's trembling.
I don't know how to express it... It's like when you say something and you feel that the words you say are so worn out that noone wants to hear them. no one needs them. it's like even your face is worn out and the mask doesn't hide the fact any more. you want to throw away the mask, and get your face back. but you know it's worn out and sealed.
I miss my face. I liked it you know? I had it for not so long. it was a short joyful period of time. the mask blended into the picture so well that barely anyone notices that it's not me anymore. it's the mask. and i've been hiding the face for far too long it seems... but then again i miss my face. i liked it...
...and again i feel that those words don't obey me anymore. it feels that i m saying the same lines all over again. that i m wearing out the words and they are so worn out already that they barely have any impact and power. it's like you're trying to scream at the top of your lungs. the lungs are ok, but the vocal cords are torn down...

-congratulations. you have another word in your vocabulary. and you are past another stage. evolve! renovate yourself! don't throw away the mask just yet, but try to take it off for a second. in front of the "Mirror". see the reflection of your face. You've seen it, right? maybe it's about the time.
-yes. it's about the time.


...I'm me.
The masquerade is over.

Approval monkeys... Entry for February 08, 2008

"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others."

[Revolver. 2005]

yes. that's what we are. approval monkeys. we're all addicted. we're junkies, fiends for approval, for sympathy. we beg for people around to listen to our sad stories. then again no one wants to share a happy story. we all want them to feel sorry for us...

poor you... oh, that must have hurt...

and u r sitting here, looking urself in the eye. it pains u realizing that u r an addict. just like them junkies, addicts trying to get rid of that madness but still wishing to get a fix. soon as they get it they feel guilty, they feel weak. but it makes them feel accomplished, makes them feel alive. mistakes, weakness... pity... what is it? addiction? to what? to your weakness? to what?

you do anything to stand out of the crowd. because the very thought that u might be a part of that same crowd is unbearable. it makes you do anything. anything to stand out. love me or hate me, just think that i m special. that i m unique... that's our addiction.
I'd love to share a happy story with you. the story of love, the story of life, the story of my HappYness. and i will. not out of my addiction to sympathy, not out of my addiction to audience. just because i really want to share my happyness with you. because in some way i am you. in some way i am your happyness and you are mine. breathe... it's all good. the storm is just another good reason for sun to shine. the rain is just another reason to wander around with nothing to do. the dark clouds are just another reason to miss the sun.

[cyb]

Scapegoat. Entry for February 07, 2008

The scapegoat was a goat that was driven off into the wilderness as part of the ceremonies of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, in Judaism during the times of the Temple in Jerusalem. The rite is described in Leviticus 16.

The word is more widely used as a metaphor, referring to someone who is blamed for misfortunes, generally as a way of distracting attention from the real causes.

magas qarTulad "gantevebis vaci" hqviao, ase amboben...

Zalian advilia da Tan Zalian Zneli ipovo is, romelsac daabraleb yvelafers, akideb Seni sulis simZimes da gulis tkenas. Tumca adamianebs es martivi da rTuli gza gvirCevnia Cvensave TvalebSi Caxedvas da aRiarebas imisa, rom is vacic Cveni Seqmnilia, is tkivilic Cvenia da sulic gangeb davamZimeT, rom ar avfrindeT... simaRlis gveSinoda...

Cven xom yvelaze Zalian es gvsiamovnebs, ara? is, rom Cven arafers SuaSi varT. iman, borotma vacma gagvamwara, Cagvimwara sicocxle da dagvangria. imis magivrad, rom dangreuli saxlis narCenebisgan droebiTi TavSesafari mainc avaSenoT, rom Tavze ar gvawvimdes, gvirCevnia, rom visxdeT wvimis qveS da gantevebis vacs vaginebdeT. ra Tqma unda, ase sjobs... luarsabebs, xom xelsaqme ar gviyvars... ar gviyvars arafris Seqmna. ufro sworad gviyvars, magram gvirCevnia es raRac sxvam Seqmnas da Cven ki ukeTes SemTxvevaSi mayureblebi da uaresSi ki kritikosebi da skeptikosebi viyoT.

ho, 13ni varT, ho... da yvela erTnairad damnaSaveebi da gamanadgureblebi varT. ho, asea, mere ra? ra mere, rom Cven dagvabraleb imas, rac xdeba? Cven vin varT? an ra xdeba iseTi?

me var, me! me13 masxara var da Cemi bralia yvelaferi! damabraleT, gamamtyuneT, miwodeT Tqveni Secdoma. rac gindaT, is miwodeT. ar minda aravis diadi gegmebis Sesruleba da aravis bavSvobis ocnebebis asruleba. Cemi maqvs asasrulebeli. xo, Cemi. me me-13 masxara var, yvelaze egoisturi da yvelaze Tavxedi masxara am 13 Si. ra mere?

ra Tqma unda, ojaxSi Tu ori adamiani ver ugebs erTmaneTs, es yovelTvis mesamis bralia. ase sjobs...

Love me or hate me, call me crazy, call me a villain... anything. I AM! I am!!! I'm to blame! for anything you can think of. anything. I'm the scapegoat.

I feel no pain, I feel no sadness. I don't give a damn about my own feelings. all I care about is your relationships, your pain, your worries. Your enormous fears. Yeah, blame me. I can take it. I can heal your hurts as I don't have mine. I can calm you down as I have nothing to worry about myself. I can sort out your lives as I have mine in order. BLAME ME! do what the fuck you wanna do! just fuckin do it! forget about me! I'm nothing! I'm just a scapegoat. that's my fuckin name!

daviRale. yvelasgan daviRale. damRales. (ai, isev igive, gantevebis vacebi vipove. adamiani var da imitom.)

moawesrigeT Tqveni cxovreba, daalageT urTierTobebi, ixareT, ibedniereT, iyaviT kargad. me macadeT Cemi cxovreba maqvs dasalagebeli nu damRaleT! nu damRaleT!!! rac ginda, is damabraleT, vinc ginda, is miwodeT, itireT, icineT, iCxubeT, icxovreT! da macxovreT! momenatra cxovreba. da macadeT.

p.s.: mgoni avad var isev da vbodav... magram momawva. Zalian momawva.

Prisoner

Quotes II

[Chapter one: Rain]

"Sometimes I feel I'm a childish elder

Or maybe just an elder child...

Screaming "Baby I Love You Tender!"

Has got me acting wild..."

"So all I see is sweat and pain

There is no sunshine, only rain

I hope some day I'll walk again

I've been so dead and still remain..."

"Sometimes the life just feels like cursed

It pains me seeing things I've lost

Remembering the losses makes it even worse

My bleeding heart is touched by frost..."

"I have been trying to find my death

My every breath felt like the last.

I kept on wondering If I was cursed or blessed

It felt like I was doomed to live in stress..."

"Thinking of debts and bills you can't get rich

And sadness sticks to you just like a leech

I was acting poor so I remained amongst the poor

If you're afraid of getting wet, it starts to pour..."

[cyb]

24.01.2008

11:22

Coming up: Chapter Two: The Sun.

Freedom

Freedom

How do you define your “Freedom?”

And what on earth is “To Live Free?”

Maybe it’s to rule a kingdom

Or maybe it’s to plant a tree?

Or maybe it’s to have a hope

That some day you will gain?

Or maybe it’s to cut the rope

That tied you up again?

Or maybe it’s to hold the bars

While dreaming to break free?

To look through window at the stars

While still wishing to flee...

Sometimes I don't live, I just dwell

This pain drains me like a drywell

This empty shell is like a cell

Living in silence is my hell!

Your choice will always leave its trail

And either way you will be hailed

But you’re to choose the Head or Tail?

To fight for freedom or to bite your nails?

Sometimes I feel like I live dying

If I live to die then why keep trying?

It's all my demons, they keep lying

I don't believe them so let's go flying!

I know sometimes hunger might feed you

And being angry I feel the strongest

I'm still alone but I still need you

And the path you chose still is the longest...

I hate all the longest ways

Cause I don't want to live a day

Without you by my side

I could run, but I can never hide

How much...

Get out of cells and free your minds I say!

Get rid of all the boxes, all the games you play.

Feel everything that takes your breath away

don't wait too long, just live right now, today!

Either Love me or hate me just feel my words

I spit them they’re my “Verbal swords”

You couldn't bind me with your mental cords

Without your chains I'm like a bird...

That's my Freedom that's my wealth.

that's my power, that's my health

I'm out of boxes. out of cells

I'm out of words, they're empty shells.

[cyb]

10.01.2008

19:57

19.01.2008

22:22

Break the chain. Entry for January 19, 2008

The Clown #13

-The chain? what chain? what do you call the chain anyway? the solitude? the one man cell of... of anything? but think deeper about it. who creates the one man cell of your mind? who defines what is what? who put you in the cell? who put the chain on you?
-I don't know.
-you know it. i m sick of you always saying "i don't know" trying to evade the answer. trying to deny the truth. trying to... what are you trying to do with that? deny the facts? think man, think. deeper. this is not deep enough. think deeper. YES! you.
-Yes. me.
-you define what is chain for you. you define what puts you in the cell. you are the one even defining the size of the cell and you are the only one capable to free yourself from this madness. You are saying that i m your madness right? then why don't you get rid of me? why don't you get rid of all of us? do you need us?
-i don't know.
-yes you do. cell, chain, freedom... those words are only the definition of your state of mind. FREE YOU MIND! free your mind and get out. you've been screaming: I GET OUT! do you really want to get out? then do it! it was said: if you think pennies, you get pennies, you think dollars, you get dollars. so be it. think free and you will be free. decisions? hard decisions? there is no such thing as a hard decision. you decide, you visualize the goal and you just live it. be it. inhale it. and then u get it. if you think poor, u will be poor. think rich to be rich. think happY to be happY. feel love to be loved. how can you be loved when all you think about is rejection and sadness? but you already know it. i m here to call names. i m here to show you something and probably this is our last talk. you know the secret, you know the way it goes right? you've seen it working, you've done it already. then why do you put yourself into one man cell? no... i m not here to ask questions. maybe only one. but not now.
-what now? now when i know it. i use it all the time. so what? yeah.. i see the progress.
-the progress? you don't need to see the progress. you are CREATING the progress. you are the reflection of the future. you are the product of your past, the product of your choices. that's why you are the reflection of the future "you". selfishness? pride? no! fuck it. creating your own life and future is not selfish. being proud of yourself and of your feelings is not wrong. after all it's you to define what is right and what the fuck is wrong in your life. because this is YOUR life. you want to live free? then do it. you are free from birth. it was god given to you. all of us spoil what's given to us. but you have the free will. you are free. even in the fuckin cell. everywhere! you are free. noone controls your feelings. live your feelings. trust them. stop being afraid cause being afraid all you get is more fear, more negativity, more rain. when you are afraid to get wet, when all you think about is rain, all you get is rain. and when it rains it pours. trust... love... embrace. playing the role games got you far far away from your true self. can't you see? look at what you are on the surface and what's inside. you want to get the peace of mind? how can you be peaceful when the surface doesn't match the feelings? when you hide what's inside all the time, when you hide it like your dirty secret? negativity is eating you. it has been eating you since you became a rock. your strength is not the surface. it's there, deep. deeply in your heart. there is your power. your truth, your self.
-who are you?
-I am you. i am your enemy, your friend, your mentor, your... i am me. and me is you. i will shut up soon. because you are free now. you've been free from the very beginning, but you needed someone to blame for your imprisonment. so be it. i am to blame. i am the reason of your chains and cells. so now i m gone. and you are the Winner. so be it. be the winner. that's the only way for you to live and not to survive.
think victory to be the winner.
think power to fight
think inspiration to create
think success to succeed
think happYness to love
think future to live.
put yourself in the picture.
-what about the question? the last one?
-what is it you really really wish in your life? deeply in your heart. and where is your heart? i don't need an answer. this is the end of me. and the beginning of you. so be it. Break the Chain. you are The Winner.





Be the Winner.