-oh, it's you again...
-Like you are surprised to see me.
-no i'm not.
-what now? any new words?
-yes. Confusion.
-ok. let's look it up in the dictionary:
Confusion, of a pathological degree, usually refers to loss of orientation (ability to place oneself correctly in the world by time, location, and personal identity) and often memory (ability to correctly recall previous events or learn new material). Confusion as such is not synonymous with inability to focus attention, although severe inability to focus attention can cause, or greatly contribute to, confusion. Together, confusion and inability to focus attention (both of which affect judgment) are the twin symptoms of a loss or lack of normal brain function.
-damn, sounds not very good i guess. but it's not the one i'm feeling i guess.
-then what is? give me your definition.
...
-Too proud, too arrogant I've always been to admit them simple things that were going on. Like my freedom, my life depended on them. every time I couldn't understand something, every time in my life, I was too proud, too arrogant to ask. not too shy, not embarrassed, ARROGANT. I know everything, I understand everything. for far too long i've been creating this image of myself in my mind i guess. it sticked to me like a leech and didn't want to let go of me. hearing something i didn't quite understand i was too arrogant to ask what it meant. instead, I tried my best to find the definition, the meaning myself. made research, made conclusions (some kind of sherlock Holmes shit) that were most likely to be wrong (or so to speak not very right directed). one conclusion followed the others and as we all know two wrongs can hardly make one right so that lead to misunderstanding, hence confusion. after that I swore not to trust them conclusions any more. then again I am me, unchanged over the time (mostly) so conclusions still stick to my mind. hence deeper confusion.
...yeah, i m still Proud, arrogant. yet confused. I'm not confused about my own feelings, no. i m positive about them. still.
so confusion right now for me does not mean some kind of a mental disorder, or inability to define myself in time, space and feelings. no. it's disorientation, emotional disorientation. lies in between the pride, decision making and suspense.
-what decision?
-nah, my decisions are made. of course, you can never know for sure what is right and what is yours. you need to trust your feelings right? so my decision has been made based on my feelings and nothing has changed over the time passed. not today, not the day before. there's only one way to be sure whether the decision is right or not. the way is to live it. to live the consequences. that's where the suspense comes into play.
-welcome to the shade. what does the suspense give you?
-nothing. it's just my way of thinking. all I know is that every person decides for himself what is right. and there is nothing that anyone can do (or should do to be precise) to change it. I'm being as clear as possible in my words, in my actions and in my feelings. being unclear has lead me to this state of mind i guess. No, I'm not looking for a scape goat, a reason. it's just a simple fact. that being unclear in my words, feelings and actions lead to confusion. no more. I am clear. I am what I am and no more masks (except special occasions).
Life is music ha? a poetry? I am the poetry. I am the music. I am the fuckin life. Fuck the poetry. simplicity is what counts sometimes. I am being as simple as possible right now.
fuck the words. they just help me emphasize the feelings. they are just as important as the the fuckin music to a movie. you can watch a good movie without a soundtrack right? you can read Little Prince without them illustrations. but it won't be the same. i don't care about them words. i really don't. it's just that when feelings are silenced, words come out.
Fuck the words if you like.
Even fuck the confusion.
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