Worn out. Entry for February 09, 2008

-what are you thinking about?
-nothing...
-same story... tell me.
-ok... i was thinkin of the vocabulary. i mean one word sticked to my mind today and adapted to my state of mind. or maybe my state of mind adapts to the words in my vocabulary? what's the difference...
-none.
-yeah, right...
-so what was it? the word.
-"Worn out". the dictionary explains it to me:
1: exhausted, worn out; tired out
2: to make or become unfit or useless through wear...
3: wear out quickly [in no time]; not to last long...


...yes. that's the definition of it. have you ever felt worn out? no, not in a tragic or depressed way. it's not another sad story. i m just asking. have you ever felt that the words you say are getting worn out? have you ever felt that your body is worn out? have you ever felt that even your soul is worn out? your feelings are getting worn out?
if it was a sad story, i would say now that i m exhausted and tired. and that i don't want anything but to rest in peace. but it's the opposite.
I am worn out. For me it means i need a reset. I need a beginning. I need a spark. It's not that I'm dead. I'm alive... probably more alive than I have ever been. It's not that i m blind. I m probably less blind than i've ever been. I'm just worn out. touch my skin, you can feel it there. it shivers. it shakes of touch. it's trembling.
I don't know how to express it... It's like when you say something and you feel that the words you say are so worn out that noone wants to hear them. no one needs them. it's like even your face is worn out and the mask doesn't hide the fact any more. you want to throw away the mask, and get your face back. but you know it's worn out and sealed.
I miss my face. I liked it you know? I had it for not so long. it was a short joyful period of time. the mask blended into the picture so well that barely anyone notices that it's not me anymore. it's the mask. and i've been hiding the face for far too long it seems... but then again i miss my face. i liked it...
...and again i feel that those words don't obey me anymore. it feels that i m saying the same lines all over again. that i m wearing out the words and they are so worn out already that they barely have any impact and power. it's like you're trying to scream at the top of your lungs. the lungs are ok, but the vocal cords are torn down...

-congratulations. you have another word in your vocabulary. and you are past another stage. evolve! renovate yourself! don't throw away the mask just yet, but try to take it off for a second. in front of the "Mirror". see the reflection of your face. You've seen it, right? maybe it's about the time.
-yes. it's about the time.


...I'm me.
The masquerade is over.